so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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