My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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