You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Randomize
