I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize