Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
