He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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