I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Everclear isn't food dammit
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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