so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize