So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
