I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
