maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
