you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
