totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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