I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
