So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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