what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
