2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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