Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
