Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
