Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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