So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
