girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
