walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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