So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
