I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
