I skipped work to stalk him.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
