you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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