I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
