This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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