I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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