My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Oh god it's open bar.
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