like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
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