70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
