I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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