Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
pray to the hookup gods
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize