also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
