I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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