Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
