Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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