He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
porn star boner night. come get it.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
