just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
