Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
