Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
