toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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