Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
