1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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