I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
