Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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