party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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