why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
