he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize