It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
