how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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