Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
