You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
