omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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