I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The beer is more important than you right now.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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