Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
