im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
