Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He did a backflip because drugs
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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